I’m aloud to say it.

I’m aloud to complain, or am I just being a whiny bitch? Pretty much the end of last year was shit and this year doesn’t seem to be getting any better. Last year I lost my job and got only disappointment from what few interviews I got. We had to find a new place to stay, so we had to take what we could get, which isn’t bad, but it’s not a farm. We had to sink our savings into our cars and this house, so even I got a halfway decent job now, we wouldn’t be able to get a farm. Brett is worried about losing his job, which he’s stressed at in the first place. We are just getting by and I am very thankful for that. I never wanted to be rich. I just wanted to make enough to be comfortable and own a farm. But I’m stuck. We own a house and that’s good. But I can’t put Katelin in the backyard. Makes we wonder if I’m going to have to board her all her life, or should I just give up and see if Ivy will take her. I just wonder where the future will take me. We really can’t afford to have kids right now, and how can I bring a kid in the world and let them dream, knowing it won’t come true. People are like, don’t think like that, your dream could still happen. But to me that seems like bullshit. I have lost my savings and if I do get a job again, it’s not likely I’ll make more than enough just to get by. Honestly if I can finally afford a farm after I turn 40 I’ll be pissed, because that is not the time to get a farm. I won’t have that many good physical years to keep up with the work and enjoy it and 40 is too old to start having kids. It just makes me want to scream.

The job market sucks. It’s flooded with the unemployed and I’m scared of getting another job, because I am scared of getting fired again. I’m scared to death of office jobs now. That and not being able to help Brett, is wearing me down. I have wonderful dreams then I wake up to reality and it hurts, so all I want to do is sleep and escape from it all. I lack the energy to do anything. I’m just tired and starting not to care. My meds can only do so much so I just have to deal.

Ah well. I better stop here. I have a headache and I’m crying now, at least I can cry again. It had dried up for awhile. Laters! Savvy?

-Aislin

Anyone for an ear pop?

I wish I could. I hate allergies. I really do. So yeah joy of being a grown up 192, sometimes your birthday will be a little messed up. No traditional dinner at Fujiyama that’s on hold till next month where it will be joined with Brett and I’s anniversary dinner. Two birds one stone deal. I will be having dinner with my parents and sis the Saturday after my birthday. That works though. No big hoopla over my birthday. I guess it’s better that way. Hopefully Lisa and I will be going to the international festival Sunday. It’s so nice of her to remember me on my birthday. Seems more that the older you get, the less people care about your birthday. I try to keep track of everyone’s birthday and at least give them a call or a card. Doesn’t always work out that way though.

This month has been tight, but we are surviving ok. I’ve had enough of not having a stove. I’m putting the kitchen on hold till spring. I’m going to clean up in there, get the shelves up , and get the frikkin’ stove in. I will see if I can recruit Lisa this spring to see if she will help me paint and put down the flooring. Next up after the kitchen is the bathroom. I can’t reno it completely any time soon, but I can knock the title off of the walls that aren’t the shower and paint and fix the water damage on the walls and floor and maybe laminate tile the floor too. That will give it a fresher look and hold it till we and get a new shower/tub put in.

Christmas is going to be tight this year. A lot of hand made stuff all around. I don’t even know what anyone wants anyway. All I want are Kawaii Neko Ears and blankets. Can never ever have enough blankets. Ever. I’m hoping to get enough money for my birthday to get my hair professionally dyed black. Mom says that if I try to do it myself, it won’t turn out right because my hair is so long, so I have to get it professionally done. She doesn’t want me to get it done at all, but I’m tried of worrying about that. It’s not going to kill me and if I get tired of it, I will have it dyed back to my original color. Honestly I was way too goody two shoes when I was growing up, while other kids were dying their hair and getting tats and piercings I was worried what my mom would do. I kept telling myself that when I was out on my own the first thing I would do is dye my hair black. Well I’ve been out on my own for 2 years now and it’s about damn time I keep my word to myself.

Been trying to take better care of myself. Not sure how that is working out. Going to try to dress up a bit more when I go out and start wearing at least some makeup again. I haven’t done one vlog yet. I kind of need to put makeup on first for it, and haven’t been brave enough to do that yet. I don’t want to throw my ugly face out there on the net without makeup. I’m nervous enough as it is. Hopefully after the Maze rd stuff is done the guys can get back to commentaries. They’ve been hitting rough patches as of late and I suggested getting on YouTube a bit might help them gain fans, so I’m going to use my new camera to help them with that. I love when I feel that I’m helping them out.

I thought about selling Avon, and I got little to no response from that. All my sister said was um, which I don’t take as good. I was just trying to find something that I could make a few bucks at on the side to help with things. Blarg. I don’t know what to do. Well I think I wrote enough for now. Laters! Savvy?

-Aislin

The joys of owning a house.

Honestly, we might have spent the same amount of money staying at the other place, or at least it seems so. But it all comes down to we are broke. All of the work we have done and such has drained us. Along with taking care of our cars. It’s now down to we have to watch our purchases because we have so many big things we have to pay for in what is going to be our slimmest month so far. Funny how things work out like that. My birthday is this month. I wonder what I’m going to get if anything. Christmas is going to be slim again. I still don’t have a stove or a pantry. Things keep pushing that back. I’m really fucking tired of fast food and microwave meals.

I still yet have found a job. I have to be picky on the pay, because I can’t make under a certain amount or we will suffer. The problem is no one wants to hire me. Why can’t I just find a job where I can work from home? I would do other people’s laundry for money. I just haven’t found anything, and no one is responding to my resumes.

As things go on I honestly am starting to think that I will never get a farm. That it would take us winning a lot of money or someone handing one to us. Our savings is gone with no hope of it coming back in the near future. So much for dreams huh? At this rate I don’t see kids in the future either. Is this how my life is going to be? Bouncing from job that I can get to job that I can get if I can get it and in the mean time living off the scraps the government gives us, making only enough to pay the bills?

It’s hard cleaning up the old place. I miss it and it’s a grim reminder of how close we came to having a farm. I love our new house, I’m just realizing we are going to be here longer than we thought. Sigh. I guess that’s life.

Laters! Savvy?

-Aislin 

I still miss him.

My grandpa that is. I dreamt about him yesterday. I’ve come to realize that’s his way of checking in on me. He knows I’m a sleeper and that way I can actually see him. The good part of the dream went on like a normal day at my grandparent’s house would be, then I realized that my grandpa is dead, yet in front of me. So I started crying, I hugged him, told him that I loved him, and that I miss him. After that the dream ended.

All this stuff with the new house is making me miss him more. He was such a Mr. Fix it that I would be able to ask him to walk me through a lot of this. I wonder if he would be proud of me. I miss his stories. I miss putting puzzles together with him. I miss how he would Hoover up any food you put in front of him.

My last memory of him when he was alive is him looking at me before I headed home after a visit. I said my goodbyes, but he stared into my eyes intently. I think he was saying that was the last time I was going to see him and that he was ok. I’ll never forget the look in his eyes and I’m thankful for that. It means a lot to me.

I do miss him so and it makes me happy that he comes and visits me from time to time. But that’s enough sappiness for the time being.

Laters! Savvy?

-Aislin

Let it all out.

Well we’re moved. Sorta. There are a few things that still need to be brought over, and the other place needs to be cleaned. So there is still moving type stuff to do.

This has been a whole big stressful experience. Brett knows I’ve been stressed out too. Coming home to me outside smoking a cigarillo and drinking a beer in the middle of the day is a pretty big sign that I’m stressed. It’s been stressful for him too. The only ones that have been taking this in stride are the animals. Funny huh? But other than Dipstick needing more exercise than we can give him at the moment, they are doing great.

We are going through a bit of a culture shock moving to a smaller place. We are still trying to figure out where to put all our stuff. We will get it all figured out though. Things are not complete yet though. I just got the dog gates hung today and I still need to put latches on them. The kitchen walls need to be sanded and painted before we can lay the new floor, before we can set up the pantry shelves, before we can bring the stove and fridge in. The living room needs to be sanded then painted. The lawn seriously needs to be mowed. But the weird thing is, is how cold it’s been getting. It makes me wonder how hard of a winter we are going to have.

I do like the house, I’m just getting overwhelmed by all the stuff that needs to be fixed and me not having the money right now to fix it. I’ve already made changes and compromises that I really didn’t want to just because I didn’t have the money to do what I wanted. This place is supposed to be an investment, but it right now seems like a money pit that I’ll never get my money back on, let alone make a profit off of. But I’m putting in a lot of sweat equity into this place, I just hope it pays off.

Not being able to find a job right now is really wearing on me. I’m looking and trying, but I’ve only had one real interview so far. It’s driving me nuts and I’m worrying about what is going to happen in the future.

I can’t say that life is horrid right now. It’s just really stressful. I’ll get through it and be ready for the next problem.

Laters! Savvy?

-Aislin

The leaves are starting to fall.

Meaning my favorite time of year is coming. Followed by cold and slick. Bah!

So the day for closing on the house is coming on fast and you guessed it, we aren’t packed. Stress is getting to us. People said getting a house was hard, but no one said it was going to be a butt rape. But finally on Thursday we will close. Then we have the fun job of moving our stuff. That’s going to be fun and a half. I just hope this time doesn’t end up like last time.

The electrician will be there Monday then he will give me a quote on the other electrical work. Looks like we are holding off on the fence for a bit. Dad has to help us replace the back door. I don’t know when I’m going to have a stove. I have never been so unprepared moving into a place, but there is nothing we could do. I’m just going to be surprised if I don’t have a mental break down and go off. Poor Brett, he might be the target of my fury too. We might not have TV or net for a month or 2 when we move. Depends on how fast Uverse moves. Until we get the electric taken care of I have to put the clothes out on a line to dry and before that I have to get a line set up. Vicious circle isn’t it? The kitchen and bathroom will have to be done bit by bit with cash that comes in, which will make cash tight, but we don’t have much of a choice.

I just hope we don’t go insane. 

I’m going to try to take classes to do admin work in hospitals. It pays good and the state pays for the classes. I’m also hoping I can get one of the many jobs down here. The classes only last 4 weeks, so I should be able to survive.

Well wish me luck through this ordeal. I’m going to get some sleep while that fuzzy kids and my insides let me. LOL! Laters! Savvy?

-Aislin

Stolen from Brett’s blog.

Ok let me start out saying that I’ve had a glass and a half of Bacardi hurricane so if I don’t make a lot of sense, I’m sorry.

There are friends that have made a difference in my life. I love them all and owe them a lot.

First there is my friend SM. I don’t remember first meeting you because we were still babies. But our summers were spent together and you were my first friend. Though we are polar opposites we get each other. And though we don’t talk much, if you call, I’ll be there.

Then there is my friend LL. I still remember in middle school at lunch when you took a seat next to me and introduced yourself. I remember I was so shocked that someone would approach me. But we soon became fast friends. We went through so much shit together. But we got through it and are still good friends. Much hugs girl.

There is also my friend KM. I don’t remember when I met you. I know it was through LL. I do know you were always a bright bubbly character. Though your thoughts and actions go with the wind I still consider you one of my good friends and that’s just the way you are. You are a free spirit and I don’t think anyone can change that.

Lastly there is Tokyo Cowgirl. I met you though your blog. It is heartfelt and entertaining. I enjoyed reading about your life, and you even reached out to me. Though you have your own crap to go through. You took time to help me out when my grandpa was dying and that means a ton to me. And that’s why I’ll always consider you a good friend.

Much hugs friends! Much hugs. I love you guys, in a not gay way. LOL!

Laters! Savvy?

-Aislin