It seems that life stinks like my cats’ litter box.

I had a phone interview today. I really don’t expect anything to come out of it.

I got a pink blackberry curve. Still trying to figure it out. It was kind of hard giving up Hagi, but I was offered a new phone and I didn’t know how long my other one would last.

So after a e-mail from my aunt, it seems that we won’t be able to afford to stay here another year, so all hopes of buying the place are gone. I guess I’m never going to be able to own a farm. Brett thinks we should rent an apartment, but I’m tired of temporary places. I’m already tired of moving. We aren’t going to be able to have a farm and a family, I get it now. The least the world can do is stop shifting us around everywhere. I’ve never moved around so much in my life. I’m a deep rooted person.

I just don’t get why I keep getting tormented by life. I knew it was a possibility that we couldn’t keep the place. But I didn’t know the rent was going to boot us out before we could buy someplace else. I really don’t know what to do. Really what is there to look forward to now. A life of a common worker bee? Where dreams are just fantasy and the only way to shuffle through life is to keep your head down, take your meds, and drink.

Even now a stupid part of me is trying not to give up. Trying to think of a way of still getting what I want. *sigh* I’m hopeless. I’m stupid for thinking things would work out if I kept facing forward and researching. But in the end I guess I’m just a failure that will continue to be haunted by dreams that might have been every night.

Night. It’s 1am and I still can’t sleep, but if the sun is up I can sleep. I’ve been told if I sleep all day that will happen, but even if I sleep all night I can sleep all day. Maybe it’s something hard wired in me. Maybe it goes back to my dad staying up all night rocking me. My dad gave up on his dreams, why did I think I could be different than him and make mine come true?

Sorry my blog has gotten emo of late. But that’s just how my life is. I don’t drink much anymore. I fear the feeling of hangovers. Plus it doesn’t seem to help at all. But beers are a little relaxing. Man I’m such a looser. Laters! Savvy?

-Aislin