Of the warm of Shine.

I went and got Shiner from my parent’s house. She is currently warming up my chair with her puppy furnace. Rory seems to have adjusted My dreams have been all messed up lately. Bad mixed with good, nothing like they use to be. It’s driving me crazy and making it hard for me to sleep at night.

I’m having trouble getting to sleep at night. I get up early to make sure Brett gets out the door on time and so I can make his lunch for him, but I end up going back to bed and sleeping till 10 or 12.

I’m kind of hoping that Shiner will get me a little more motivated. But she is a bit of a snooze hound herself.

I haven’t been able to find any animal jobs I also haven’t had enough get up and go to do anything. This is the first time I felt like writing in a while. I haven’t even replied to e-mails.

I’m a bit of a mess. I resent the place I worked at so much that I wish it would just go to hell. But Brett still needs a job so I bear it. But It’s hard to hear about anything that goes on there. Good or bad.

I really don’t know what to do and it frustrates and scares me. I don’t want to go back to the kind of jobs I hate. At first I thought this is the chance to go into business for myself, but it doesn’t seem to be working out that way.

I really don’t want to give up this house. I love it. Yes it needs work, but it’s solid and most of the stuff that needs done, I can do, and others can help me with. I know I get frustrated because practically everything in this house is hand made. But it can be fixed and changed. Ever since I got canned I wanted to work on the house, get things done that need to be. Yes cleaning should be first priority, but I’m afraid. I’m afraid of investing time in this place, and getting my heart broke because we can’t keep it. I want to put a garden out back and a chicken coop. Both things I have been given permission to do, but I’m afraid to do it. That and I don’t think Brett will find it good use of my time.

I keep wanting to ask Angie if I can set up a barn out back to start getting some boarders in to help us buy the place, but I’m so afraid to ask her. I’m afraid of her turning us down. I’m willing to just about anything. Even if I have to work anywhere retail till I get enough boarders to pay the bills. I’m not looking to be a millionaire. I’m just looking to make enough money to pay the bills and raise happy and healthy children. I think my dream is simple enough.

All the starter farm loans I found, you have to be working the same type of farm job that you want to start up for 3 years to qualify. If we can keep a horse business going for 3 years here, I can qualify for a loan to buy the place. Maybe I shouldn’t get my hopes up. I just don’t know what to do. It’s enough for me to want to bang my head against the wall, then I would need to patch it or course. LOL!

Laters! Savvy?

-Aislin