I really don’t know if it was missing a couple days of my night meds, or if I was just having that kind of day, but Tuesday sucked. I had to stay up because my aunt was coming to mow so that made me a tad grumpy. But then I was informed, after I walked the yard that morning picking up sticks, that I didn’t do a good enough job. She wasn’t mean about it, but it made me feel like a failure. I had a ton of small failures all day, which made me feel like crap. When I went to go to my sister’s house I started crying. I felt like such a complete failure. I was so close to what I wanted. It was inches in front of what I wanted and I felt it was ripped away from me. Because of expenses and lack of incoming money not to mention the skimpy paychecks I got before I was canned. Drained my savings down to an amount that doesn’t make a great down payment on a house. I felt that my dreams were ripped away from me. We can’t afford a farm without help now. Mom says to be patient my aunt will get tired of the place and sell. That’s the problem though. We can’t afford it, even at a reduced cost. There is nothing with land that we can afford.
I just feel like I’m getting tormented. Here I am in a great house with plenty of land, and I’m not aloud to use it. Then I noticed the other day that the rain has washed away a good patch of seeds in the field right at the front. Enough to be a good sized pasture for a horse. I go outside after someone mowed and it smells like hay and I want to cry. It’s like being on the other side of the glass. I can see it but I can’t grasp it. Am I cursed? Am I doomed to live the life of my upbringing. Living on the edge of poverty. Making just enough to pay the bills, but never making enough to have what I really want. I watch my dad struggle to this day. I just though it had to do with a decision he made. He chose a family over his dreams and he chose a woman who will keep him on the financial edge. But now I think about it. He always said that when he lived on his own that he was working 2 to 3 jobs to pay the bills. He even said that the reason he moved in with mom before they got married was because his roommates baled on him and left him with all the bills. He even had to borrow the down payment for the house from grandma. Is this the life I’m doomed to? I tried to get out of retail because it never pays well. But I still ended up getting nowhere. I’m so ashamed that I can’t get towards owning a farm, that I stopped going to see Katelin. I know that’s wrong and I shouldn’t use it as an excuse. And if we have to move into a small place or an apartment in the next couple of years, then I might need to just sell her. Because it will be obvious we will never be able to own a farm and I will never be able to give her the attention she deserves.
I just want to bang my head against the wall. I was in such a dark place yesterday. I try not to burden Brett with these things because I know he feels bad enough, but it seems like he doesn’t have a good day anymore. I can’t even make his life better. Is that the way things are going be for the rest of our lives. A pair of miserable. There is nothing Brett can do to make my dreams come true, so I don’t want him being upset about it. But I wish I could get at least him to be back to where he is happy again. I try everything I can. But nothing seems to work. It seems that the problem is something I have no control over. I so much want him to be happy. I just don’t know how to make him that way.
I really need to grow some figurative balls and talk to my aunt. The worst she can say is no, then I will know that holding on to this place is nothing more than cheap rent and I need to look somewhere else for permanent. Grr! I’m tired of others having what they want and I am the one that is left with the bad luck and what I want just out of reach. God damn this economy and fuck everyone in management at my old job!
Ok, I’m done now. Laters! Savvy?
-Aislin
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