Stuck in a blah mood.

So much has happened and is going to happen. I really don’t know what to do.

We go to sign the papers for the mortgage app tonight. The inspection is next Monday and I have to start packing. Not just packing, sorting through our stuff to see what we keep and what goes into the garage sale. Being the pack rat I am, that does not make me happy. But we are moving into a smaller place and we just can’t fit all our stuff in it. Things are going to have to go that we haven’t messed with in the last couple of years. Like my old game systems. I’ll keep the PS2 and the game cube, but the sega saturn and the N64 are going have to go. I have to go through all my kitchen stuff and find out what has to go. I just won’t have the space for all of it.

I have worries though. Like will I be able to get rid of enough stuff. Can I keep the new house clean? I’m not good at that. It seems that when I clean up a room, it takes no time to get back to bad again. I just never have the will to keep up with it.

I don’t know what to do first. I would like on the day of closing use that day to clean the house and paint before we even move a thing in. Because once we start moving things in we won’t have the room to paint. Plus I need to put more cabinets in. There is just not enough cabinet space.

I want to be in there now. I want it over and done. I don’t like the transitional in-between feeling. There is nothing I can do about it though. I hate saying goodbye to this place. I’m already putting myself in the mindset of it’s not our place anymore. I need to be getting stuff done, but my un-sureness is keeping me in bed. I don’t know what to do.

I need to get out of bed and get ready for tonight. I don’t know if I can be Brett’s support on this anymore. I’m having a hard enough time keeping it together. Arrg! Can I just hide under a rock and someone call me when everything is done? I guess this is just home buying stress. But it will nice to have something that is truly home. That no one can tell me no I can’t do that to the place.

Well I have to get up and moving. Laters! Savvy?

-Aislin

I’m movin’ on.

More like just moving, hopefully.

Well after the huge depression of finding out that we won’t even be able to afford to rent this place next year, I needed to take a breath and rethink things. Also being cooped up in the house caused a lot of issues. Thankfully my friend Lisa came to my rescue Saturday. We had a yummy lunch at Tokyo Buffet, then walked around the Mall. Other than ranting about the incredibly short shorts that kids are wearing these days, I got to vent about my life and came up with a couple solutions to my problems. I got to also meet her cat, and he was the purry cute.

But after all of that Brett and I set up going to see a repo down the street. It was way out of our range repair wise. I then explained to our agent our budget and if we couldn’t get a place with enough land for Katelin in that budget, if we reduce that even farther, we could afford a house that we can stay in a while and afford to keep boarding Katelin. Mom thought I was giving the realtor a impossible task, but after a moment of thought, the realtor said she had a place that was uber cheap and in great shape, that we could see right then. Brett agreed to go see it and away we went. Well it was a cute little house in town. 2 bed 1 bath with a garage and a big yard. The house shows it’s age in the hardware and kitchen, AKA green floor and antique gas stove. It needs a air conditioner, but it’s in great shape and cute. Right off the bat I started making a list of things to do. Air conditioner, update electric. redo kitchen floor, strip and stain the doors and cabinets, plane the door bottoms, Knock out the wall between the sunroom and living room, redo the flooring in sun room and turn it into a dinning room, add more cabinets and counter space in the kitchen, redo the counter and sink in the kitchen, add storage in the laundry room, put up a fence, add a security system, look into a master suite add on.

We put a bid in on the place, we should be able to get it. We won’t stay there forever, 3 years minimum, but with improvements, the resale value of that place will soar. I will most likely drive Brett crazy with my wanting of improvements, but it will all be for us when we are there and to gain more when we sell the place so we can get our dream home. Truthfully I’m excited. I’ll get to get creative my way and we will have a place of our own that we won’t have to move out of in a year. ^_^ I know Brett is nervous, but he likes the place. Everything will be fine.

Things are starting to look up a little. But now I must try to sleep. Laters!Savvy?

-Aislin

It seems that life stinks like my cats’ litter box.

I had a phone interview today. I really don’t expect anything to come out of it.

I got a pink blackberry curve. Still trying to figure it out. It was kind of hard giving up Hagi, but I was offered a new phone and I didn’t know how long my other one would last.

So after a e-mail from my aunt, it seems that we won’t be able to afford to stay here another year, so all hopes of buying the place are gone. I guess I’m never going to be able to own a farm. Brett thinks we should rent an apartment, but I’m tired of temporary places. I’m already tired of moving. We aren’t going to be able to have a farm and a family, I get it now. The least the world can do is stop shifting us around everywhere. I’ve never moved around so much in my life. I’m a deep rooted person.

I just don’t get why I keep getting tormented by life. I knew it was a possibility that we couldn’t keep the place. But I didn’t know the rent was going to boot us out before we could buy someplace else. I really don’t know what to do. Really what is there to look forward to now. A life of a common worker bee? Where dreams are just fantasy and the only way to shuffle through life is to keep your head down, take your meds, and drink.

Even now a stupid part of me is trying not to give up. Trying to think of a way of still getting what I want. *sigh* I’m hopeless. I’m stupid for thinking things would work out if I kept facing forward and researching. But in the end I guess I’m just a failure that will continue to be haunted by dreams that might have been every night.

Night. It’s 1am and I still can’t sleep, but if the sun is up I can sleep. I’ve been told if I sleep all day that will happen, but even if I sleep all night I can sleep all day. Maybe it’s something hard wired in me. Maybe it goes back to my dad staying up all night rocking me. My dad gave up on his dreams, why did I think I could be different than him and make mine come true?

Sorry my blog has gotten emo of late. But that’s just how my life is. I don’t drink much anymore. I fear the feeling of hangovers. Plus it doesn’t seem to help at all. But beers are a little relaxing. Man I’m such a looser. Laters! Savvy?

-Aislin

The job well is dry.

It’s getting quite frustrating. I’m trying. No I’m not to the point of running around filling out applications. Most places that I can do that with, don’t pay enough. Mostly I comb the net for horse or animal related jobs, then I look for normal jobs. Well so far there aren’t any horse or animal jobs available and now it seems the normal jobs have dried up as well. I can’t just take any job. I have to make as much or more than unemployment is giving me. Plus if I can avoid it, I would like to stay away from a job I would hate like customer service.

The truth is I’m afraid of taking on a new job. I don’t want to get fired again and I really don’t want a job I’ll hate and be miserable in. I’m so scared to take that leap. I’m still looking and if someone wants to interview me I’ll go, but what could be terrifies me. Also I thought when I was fired that this could be a opportunity to start up a horse business and now it doesn’t look like that’s going to happen. Not only have I been stripped of my chance for a farm, but our money is severely depleted. I just feel so worthless. Like all my dreams have been smashed and I doomed to live a life where I’m just getting by. I really thought I could break away from my parent’s life. I guess I’m wrong.

I drive by horse farms and I’m bitter. I keep thinking why do they get to have a farm and I can’t? What makes them so special? And there are the people selling off their land. It pisses me off. They are tried of farming so they are just going to sell their land off to some developer? They have no love for the land that they worked so hard on all those years. If they really cared about it, they would find someone to keep it a farm, instead of caring about the money.

I’m tired. I’m tried of being lost. I’m tried of feeling worthless. I’m tried of hoping and dreaming only to get let down time and again. I’m tired of watching other people get what they want and I’m left with nothing. I’m tried of getting what I want dangled right out of my reach. I’m tired of these dreams where I’ve got what I want and am so happy, only to wake up and have reality hit me in the face like cold water. I’m tried of crying at night. I’m tired of not being able to sleep at night and wanting to do nothing but sleep all day. I’m just tried. I don’t know what else to do. I really don’t.

I wish something will come out and let me know if my dreams are going to come true or not so I can know what to feel. If I’m in for a big disappointment or not. If I’m going to spend my life hating myself for ever having a dream and believing it would come true.

I have no debt. How many people can say that now a days? I guess it means nothing. In truth it means nothing to no one. It’s just that I have less bills to deal with. I’m so upset that I can’t even bring myself to go out and see Katelin. Because I fear when all is said and done I’ll have to even give her up, because I’ll end up not being able to pay rent/mortgage(more than likely rent) and pay to board her. And if I can’t afford a horse, then I can’t afford to have a child. But seriously if it is true that dreams don’t come true no matter how hard you work, then why would I be cruel enough to bring a child into the world only to have their dreams shattered and they live in misery too.

I see how miserable Brett is and I can’t stand it. No matter what I do, he’s not happy anymore. I glimpse it from time to time. Mostly when he’s with his friends. I wish I could make him happy like that. I feel that I’m dead weight to him, dragging him in directions he doesn’t want to go. I feel like such a looser.

I need to take a shower. Laters! Savvy?

-Aislin