Life is like a battle between a snake and a toad.

Short, odd, and no one knows it will end.

I watched Mikage, the resident ribbon snake go after a toad. The toad got away, but the whole thing was interesting to watch. It also got me thinking a bit. Other than why that silly little snake would try to go after that big fat toad.

Ok, I lied. All I was thinking about was the silly snake trying to get something that would never fit in it’s unhinged mouth unless it was cut up in quarters.

But seriously yesterday was interesting. First we lost Farrah Faucet after she had a long painful battle with cancer, then we lost Michael Jackson. Brett and I agree that we like his music, but we also agree that guy was also fucked up. I think it may be stemmed from his childhood. He really was never aloud to be a kid. He spent all his time in the spotlight and I’m sure that caused a lot of issues, but his death was sudden, and Farrah’s was long and drawn out. I think we should focus a little more on her. Yes both deaths are equally tragic, but there should be more of a focus on what Farrah went through. She tried everything and never gave up fighting her cancer, the whole time raising awareness about it. She should be given a little more spotlight and credit than someone who died quickly of heart problems.

There was a nice memorial show about both of them last night, that was on a equal setting. But the Today Show decided to dedicate today’s show to only Michael. What’s up with that!?!

Also the whole don’t talk ill of the dead thing is taking effect and everyone is shying away from the fact that Michael was accused of doing some pretty bad things. When you talk about a person, you need to talk about the whole person, not just some highlights that you put together to satisfy what you thought they should have been. I seriously wonder what it’s going to be like when OJ dies.

Dad is going to come over today to help me hang my new can crusher, fix the latch on the laundry room door, and take care of wasps that are trying to build a nest outside the back door. Yeah I’m capable of doing all of those things by myself, but I don’t have the tools for that so I need to borrow dad’s. Plus it will be nice to spend time with him.

The guys are doing a photo shoot for their website tonight so that will be fun. I might have to run out for pizza tonight, because I really don’t have anything to fix for all of them. Yeah I could order pizza, but that will be too expensive. I can just run down to Dominos or Little Caesars and get some pizzas for much cheaper.

The kittehs are asleep on the couch together looking soooo cute.


Well I need to get back to doing the dishes. Not fun at all. Laters! Savvy?

-Aislin

Stumbling down the narrow trail.

I really don’t know if it was missing a couple days of my night meds, or if I was just having that kind of day, but Tuesday sucked. I had to stay up because my aunt was coming to mow so that made me a tad grumpy. But then I was informed, after I walked the yard that morning picking up sticks, that I didn’t do a good enough job. She wasn’t mean about it, but it made me feel like a failure. I had a ton of small failures all day, which made me feel like crap. When I went to go to my sister’s house I started crying. I felt like such a complete failure. I was so close to what I wanted. It was inches in front of what I wanted and I felt it was ripped away from me. Because of expenses and lack of incoming money not to mention the skimpy paychecks I got before I was canned. Drained my savings down to an amount that doesn’t make a great down payment on a house. I felt that my dreams were ripped away from me. We can’t afford a farm without help now. Mom says to be patient my aunt will get tired of the place and sell. That’s the problem though. We can’t afford it, even at a reduced cost. There is nothing with land that we can afford.

I just feel like I’m getting tormented. Here I am in a great house with plenty of land, and I’m not aloud to use it. Then I noticed the  other day that the rain has washed away a good patch of seeds in the field right at the front. Enough to be a good sized pasture for a horse. I go outside after someone mowed and it smells like hay and I want to cry. It’s like being on the other side of the glass. I can see it but I can’t grasp it. Am I cursed? Am I doomed to live the life of my upbringing. Living on the edge of poverty. Making just enough to pay the bills, but never making enough to have what I really want. I watch my dad struggle to this day. I just though it had to do with a decision he made. He chose a family over his dreams and he chose a woman who will keep him on the financial edge. But now I think about it. He always said that when he lived on his own that he was working 2 to 3 jobs to pay the bills. He even said that the reason he moved in with mom before they got married was because his roommates baled on him and left him with all the bills. He even had to borrow the down payment for the house from grandma. Is this the life I’m doomed to? I tried to get out of retail because it never pays well. But I still ended up getting nowhere. I’m so ashamed that I can’t get towards owning a farm, that I stopped going to see Katelin. I know that’s wrong and I shouldn’t use it as an excuse. And if we have to move into a small place or an apartment in the next couple of years, then I might need to just sell her. Because it will be obvious we will never be able to own a farm and I will never be able to give her the attention she deserves.

I just want to bang my head against the wall. I was in such a dark place yesterday. I try not to burden Brett with these things because I know he feels bad enough, but it seems like he doesn’t have a good day anymore. I can’t even make his life better. Is that the way things are going be for the rest of our lives. A pair of miserable. There is nothing Brett can do to make my dreams come true, so I don’t want him being upset about it. But I wish I could get at least him to be back to where he is happy again. I try everything I can. But nothing seems to work. It seems that the problem is something I have no control over. I so much want him to be happy. I just don’t know how to make him that way.

I really need to grow some figurative balls and talk to my aunt. The worst she can say is no, then I will know that holding on to this place is nothing more than cheap rent and I need to look somewhere else for permanent. Grr! I’m tired of others having what they want and I am the one that is left with the bad luck and what I want just out of reach. God damn this economy and fuck everyone in management at my old job!

Ok, I’m done now. Laters! Savvy?

-Aislin

A lesson of Gran Torino

I just got done watching Gran Torino with Brett. I’m telling you what. There is nothing better than good chili, a Smithwicks, and a good movie. The movie was fucking amazing.

Brett had a problem with all the racial slurs that were thrown around especially at the beginning. Growing up around that, it didn’t bother me as much. Pretty much it’s a story of a old grumpy and lonely man who just lost his wife and is at odds with his kids. He is one of the last white people left in his neighborhood and is grumpy about that to. He develops a friendship with a neighbor kid who tried to steal his car. He teaches the kid to have a spine and some important life lessons and the kid and his family teach him about living. Being an old Korean war vet he is haunted by the killings. You think he will have no problem with more. He chooses not to kill, but secures a way to keep his neighbors safe. I cried at the end and the movie was hard to watch at times. Why, because the character being a lifetime smoker, was dying of cancer and coughing up blood. This soon after loosing my grandpa to that it struck close to home. It was a good movie and I’m still crying a bit.

Now on to happier things. I made chili today which is awesome. Happy Birthday Tokyo Cowgirl! If you were here I would make you a cake. ^_^

I got a new potato peeler and managed to cut my finger on it when I was cleaning it. I’d say it works. I burnt my hand when hot tomato sauce splashed up on it. I”m becoming a klutz in the kitchen. I need more practice. Laters! Savvy?

-Aislin

No accomplishments for me today.

Seriously. I slept until about noon and woke up with the same headache that I had yesterday evening. So after a few minutes I ended up going back to bed. Brett wasn’t much better. His poor stomach hates him today, so he is going to bed early today.

I wanted to get to work on the nail holes and cracks on the walls today. Finish cleaning up in the kitchen, clean some in the living room. Get the clean laundry put away and make chili. Instead I spent the day in bed and ate once. I barely eat anymore.

I went out with dad to Loews where I got some supplies, like fire extinguishers. I had to get a new toilet seat for the main bathroom since the other one broke. It took me an hour, a screwdriver, adjustable wrench, and a crowbar to get the old toilet seat off. The new seat went on in less than 5 minutes.

I want to become handier. There are so many thing that need to be done around here, but I’m afraid to start. I’m definitely am going to put a large garden out back next year. I’m also thinking about getting Murry McMurry chicks and splitting them with Nikki this fall, so we will have egg laying chickens next spring. I wasn’t ready for chickens this year, but especially if we are aloud to keep Katelin here.

I really need to talk to Angie. I would honestly work 2 retail jobs to be able to build a barn and a horse business here, where I can buy this place with Brett. I really do love this place and watching the resident bunny and the little chipmunks run around is peaceful.

Man I’m tired. Laters! Savvy?

-Aislin

Clean till your feet hurt.

Seriously, that’s what I did. But let me back up a bit.

Shank was sick all last night and had a fever this morning. The fever broke around 10 and he finally ate at noon. The vet said he just had a bug and is now getting over it. He gave me something to tame his upset stomach and he seems to be back to his normal self.

I took Shiner back to mom and dad’s she didn’t drink any while she was here, so I should only have her here for short visits.

When I got home I started cleaning. I didn’t get the dishes done. But I moved all the boxes into the back room bagged up all the trash and recyclables and they are ready to be dealt with. I cleared off the table and chairs. Then I cleared off the counter for some much needed space. I swept the kitchen floor. Then arranged the stuff by the wall. I cleaned up the main bath.The shower and floor need to be cleaned but everything else is clean in there. I even put one of those scrubbing bubbles gel blob in the toilet in a attempt to keep it clean. Because apparently with well water, no matter how much you flush it gets really nasty in the toilet fast.

I found out that CLR Bath and Kitchen cleaner is excellent for killing bugs. Two short direct sprays on a wolf spider and that sucker flips over on it’s back, twitches a bit, then Fuck Raid! I’m stocking up on CLR. Plus where ever you spray it, it cleans it. So it’s a bonus. I would also imagine that regular cleaning with the stuff would deter bugs from wanting to come around.

Today was my dad’s birthday, so he came over and I made him Hamburgers and a chocolate cake. I gotta say this, standing mixers are a gift from the goddess. I have never made a cake so quickly in my life. I gave dad a thing of chocolate covered peanuts, and he talked to me while I hobbled around the kitchen cooking. My feet hurt soooooo bad after all that cleaning I did. There was a lot of walking back and forth. But I had a good visit with dad. I hope he did too. I made sure he left with a big Tupperware of cake. Rory loved visiting with her grandpa. She put on her charm to him, giving him her best cute faces. She even sat on one of the chairs at the table while we ate. I gave her a couple pieces of cheese and dad called her spoiled. Shank even visited with him for a short bit, but wasn’t happy when dad helped me give him his medicine.

We talked for about 3 hours and then dad headed home. Brett was asleep the whole time. Poor guy was just worn out from worrying about Shank all day. I woke him up when dad left and he ate his share of dinner. Now he’s watching Mixed Marshal Arts while bouncing his legs. My silly man. Well I need to head off to bed soon. Hopefully tomorrow I can get a shower and wash the dishes. Laters! Savvy?

-Aislin

Of the warm of Shine.

I went and got Shiner from my parent’s house. She is currently warming up my chair with her puppy furnace. Rory seems to have adjusted My dreams have been all messed up lately. Bad mixed with good, nothing like they use to be. It’s driving me crazy and making it hard for me to sleep at night.

I’m having trouble getting to sleep at night. I get up early to make sure Brett gets out the door on time and so I can make his lunch for him, but I end up going back to bed and sleeping till 10 or 12.

I’m kind of hoping that Shiner will get me a little more motivated. But she is a bit of a snooze hound herself.

I haven’t been able to find any animal jobs I also haven’t had enough get up and go to do anything. This is the first time I felt like writing in a while. I haven’t even replied to e-mails.

I’m a bit of a mess. I resent the place I worked at so much that I wish it would just go to hell. But Brett still needs a job so I bear it. But It’s hard to hear about anything that goes on there. Good or bad.

I really don’t know what to do and it frustrates and scares me. I don’t want to go back to the kind of jobs I hate. At first I thought this is the chance to go into business for myself, but it doesn’t seem to be working out that way.

I really don’t want to give up this house. I love it. Yes it needs work, but it’s solid and most of the stuff that needs done, I can do, and others can help me with. I know I get frustrated because practically everything in this house is hand made. But it can be fixed and changed. Ever since I got canned I wanted to work on the house, get things done that need to be. Yes cleaning should be first priority, but I’m afraid. I’m afraid of investing time in this place, and getting my heart broke because we can’t keep it. I want to put a garden out back and a chicken coop. Both things I have been given permission to do, but I’m afraid to do it. That and I don’t think Brett will find it good use of my time.

I keep wanting to ask Angie if I can set up a barn out back to start getting some boarders in to help us buy the place, but I’m so afraid to ask her. I’m afraid of her turning us down. I’m willing to just about anything. Even if I have to work anywhere retail till I get enough boarders to pay the bills. I’m not looking to be a millionaire. I’m just looking to make enough money to pay the bills and raise happy and healthy children. I think my dream is simple enough.

All the starter farm loans I found, you have to be working the same type of farm job that you want to start up for 3 years to qualify. If we can keep a horse business going for 3 years here, I can qualify for a loan to buy the place. Maybe I shouldn’t get my hopes up. I just don’t know what to do. It’s enough for me to want to bang my head against the wall, then I would need to patch it or course. LOL!

Laters! Savvy?

-Aislin

In the night when we don't know if we are living or not.

I'm really starting to love that song from Get Backers.

So yeah. I know I haven't posted in a while. Well it has a little to do with the fact that I got fired. Yep miss thinking that she is important and needed got canned like yesterday's tuna. And how did I handle it? Well after I figured out that the cunt that fired me wasn't joking, I started to cry. I was able to keep myself sort of together until Brett came out. Then I lost it to the point of hyperventalating. I managed to get ahold of myself after a while Brett took me to Ma and Pa's were I drank 2 bottles of wine.

Well I'm not happy, but I'll survive. At least Brett still has his job. The worst part is that our chance of getting house came crashing down. At least we have somewhere to live though.
*sigh* Sorry really not up to blogging. Laters! Savvy?

-Aislin