It’s getting quite frustrating. I’m trying. No I’m not to the point of running around filling out applications. Most places that I can do that with, don’t pay enough. Mostly I comb the net for horse or animal related jobs, then I look for normal jobs. Well so far there aren’t any horse or animal jobs available and now it seems the normal jobs have dried up as well. I can’t just take any job. I have to make as much or more than unemployment is giving me. Plus if I can avoid it, I would like to stay away from a job I would hate like customer service.
The truth is I’m afraid of taking on a new job. I don’t want to get fired again and I really don’t want a job I’ll hate and be miserable in. I’m so scared to take that leap. I’m still looking and if someone wants to interview me I’ll go, but what could be terrifies me. Also I thought when I was fired that this could be a opportunity to start up a horse business and now it doesn’t look like that’s going to happen. Not only have I been stripped of my chance for a farm, but our money is severely depleted. I just feel so worthless. Like all my dreams have been smashed and I doomed to live a life where I’m just getting by. I really thought I could break away from my parent’s life. I guess I’m wrong.
I drive by horse farms and I’m bitter. I keep thinking why do they get to have a farm and I can’t? What makes them so special? And there are the people selling off their land. It pisses me off. They are tried of farming so they are just going to sell their land off to some developer? They have no love for the land that they worked so hard on all those years. If they really cared about it, they would find someone to keep it a farm, instead of caring about the money.
I’m tired. I’m tried of being lost. I’m tried of feeling worthless. I’m tried of hoping and dreaming only to get let down time and again. I’m tired of watching other people get what they want and I’m left with nothing. I’m tried of getting what I want dangled right out of my reach. I’m tired of these dreams where I’ve got what I want and am so happy, only to wake up and have reality hit me in the face like cold water. I’m tried of crying at night. I’m tired of not being able to sleep at night and wanting to do nothing but sleep all day. I’m just tried. I don’t know what else to do. I really don’t.
I wish something will come out and let me know if my dreams are going to come true or not so I can know what to feel. If I’m in for a big disappointment or not. If I’m going to spend my life hating myself for ever having a dream and believing it would come true.
I have no debt. How many people can say that now a days? I guess it means nothing. In truth it means nothing to no one. It’s just that I have less bills to deal with. I’m so upset that I can’t even bring myself to go out and see Katelin. Because I fear when all is said and done I’ll have to even give her up, because I’ll end up not being able to pay rent/mortgage(more than likely rent) and pay to board her. And if I can’t afford a horse, then I can’t afford to have a child. But seriously if it is true that dreams don’t come true no matter how hard you work, then why would I be cruel enough to bring a child into the world only to have their dreams shattered and they live in misery too.
I see how miserable Brett is and I can’t stand it. No matter what I do, he’s not happy anymore. I glimpse it from time to time. Mostly when he’s with his friends. I wish I could make him happy like that. I feel that I’m dead weight to him, dragging him in directions he doesn’t want to go. I feel like such a looser.
I need to take a shower. Laters! Savvy?
-Aislin
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